


Sometimes It’s Heavy

by rosieswishlist



Series: NCT Oneshots [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: (a little), (my interpretation of them), Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Crying, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Fluff and Angst, Half of it has no real dialogue, Insecure Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, Insecurities, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan-centric, M/M, Mark Lee (NCT) is Whipped, Not Beta Read, One Shot, One sentence of cussing, Panic Attacks, Quarantine, Sad Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, Scratching, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Sweet Mark Lee (NCT), basically me venting about failing a test today :/, the other is basically straight up talking, this is very bad i’m sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-24
Updated: 2020-04-24
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:13:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,414
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23817460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosieswishlist/pseuds/rosieswishlist
Summary: He failed.*Title from Not Alone by NCT 127*
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee
Series: NCT Oneshots [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1716055
Comments: 3
Kudos: 147





	Sometimes It’s Heavy

**Author's Note:**

> hi guys! it’s literally been so long. i wrote this on a whim when aggressively typing my feelings out after this happened. it’s pretty rushed and definitely not my best, but i hope you enjoy it anyway. <3

The light that had been so prominent in Donghyuck's eyes since he'd woken up faded in mere seconds. One glance, one blink and his high spirits dropped from soaring in the sky to drowning in a dark void that was never ending. He was so stupid.

He knew online school wouldn't be easy, he knew that there was a potential for all his hard work to go down the drain, he knew. Being a verbal learner, he had made peace with the fact that everything could be ruined no matter how hard he tried. But nothing prepared him for how difficult it would actually be. 

The honey-haired boy had studied so much for his biology test. So much. He even went as far as pushing aside his concert band assignments (which were his favorite) to the end of the week to make sure he had everything covered. But alas, nothing helped. He _failed_. 

He failed, he failed, he _failed_. 

How was he supposed to make sure his grades stayed up now? Since his school district adopted the policy of pass or fail, he would never be able to raise them again. And it crushed him. Absolutely crushed him.

Donghyuck had been staring at the same numbers for two minutes, not even realizing how blurry the figures had gotten. He shut his eyes tightly, hot blobs rolling down his cheeks, fists clenching. 

"God fucking damnit!" He said aloud, slamming his chromebook shut and banging his head on it's surface. (He internally winced as he said those words. He was never one to cuss so the syllables felt unnatural on his tongue. Yet, it felt so right given his situation.) 

Fowl words tumbled out of his mouth in cries like a spilled carton of expired milk, his ramblings targeting nothing and everything (mostly himself) simultaneously. In a flash he stood up, effectively knocking his chair to the floor, and stormed to the bathroom down the hall. 

Crashing the door closed behind him, he collapsed to the floor in a heap of tears and sobs, his hands reaching for his tousled hair automatically. 

"I'm so stupid. I'm so _dumb_ , why did I ever think I could do this? Oh God, oh God, I failed. I don't know what to do, how do I fix this?" His babbling mess barely reached a whisper as his breathing spiked to an all new high. It was all too much. He couldn't breathe. 

His hands left his hair in favor of sneaking up the large sleeves of his hoodie, raking his nails down his arms as he gasped for air. It stung but the tingling waves of pain that rolled over him somehow calmed him enough to get a breath. 

The boy rested his throbbing head against the cabinets behind him, counting up and down the number chain slowly to steady himself. In a few moments of silence, from himself and the space around him, he brought himself up on shaky legs, blinking the dizziness (that probably came from not consuming enough) away to look at himself in the mirror. 

Donghyuck's tan skin had turned an angry pink, eyes swollen and glossy, face sticky. Rolling his sleeves up quickly, he saw that the marks on his arms were bright and long, some white and some leaking small dribbles of red. 

As he pushed the sleeves down and was about to scold himself for once again being stupid, a voice and a knock resonated from outside the room. 

"Hyuckie?" Mark. Mark was on the other side of the door. How could he forget? He and his boyfriend were quarantining at the youngers apartment. 

Oh _God,_ what was he going to say? He would be so disappointed, maybe even mad. He would probably come to the conclusion that Donghyuck wasn't smart enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, quiet enough to be his boyfriend. He was probably going to dump him, leave him and never turn back. All those years of friendship and the past two of dating all destroyed because Donghyuck is so _stupid-_

Two warm hands on his freshly damp cheeks brought him out of his spiraling. They guided him towards an equally heated chest as he exhaled a breath he didn't know he was holding. Gentle fingers carded through the tangled mess atop his head. 

"Duckie, I need you to breath okay? Follow my lead. That's it, you're doing so good baby." The older's voice was like a drug, washing over him like honey and giving him a peace of mind. In a few minutes, Donghyuck had been soothed enough to a point where he could take in oxygen at a steadier rate. 

"Sorry," was all he said, pulling out of the comforting embrace. He used the back of his hand to wipe away the wetness from around his eyes. He felt guilty for so many things, and now Mark's shirt was all wet and gross which just added to the growing pile. 

"There's no need to be sorry, can you tell me what's got you so worked up?" The younger lifted his head to meet the strong gaze of his lover. There was so much adoration and care in those brown eyes he couldn't help but let his guard down. 

"I totally bombed my bio test, and I worked _so_ hard to make sure I got a good grade. I know I'm dumb but I didn't think I was dumb enough to fail something so important and I know it's gonna bring my grade down and I'm so _angry_ at myself for being such and idiot and I know you're gonna be mad and leave me because I don't deserve to be around someone so much smarter than me and I'm _sorry_ I'm not good enough-" His rambling was cut short by Mark's hands on his cheeks again. 

"Donghyuck, enough baby. None of that is true," his thumbs carefully ran across the plains of his face, effectively stopping him from crying again. "You're not dumb, you are more than enough. One test won't kill you, and I'm not mad at you. I'm not going to leave you. You know I love you with everything I have." Mark left a small kiss on his nose, causing the smaller to crack a little smile. 

"Ah, there it is! The smile I love so much. Welcome back Hyuckie's Smile, I missed you," the younger snorted and smacked him in the chest. 

"Dork."

"You're dork," the raven-head smirked. 

"Yeah, my dork." Donghyuck sighed as he was brought into a warm embrace. "Sorry about all of this. I know I'm a handful." Mark made a noise of complaint and lifted the other up effortlessly, making him yelp and wrap his legs around his waist, burying his face in the olders neck.

"Jesus, you’re light. And no you're not a handful, Lee Donghyuck. It's okay to be upset, baby." He carefully walked them to the boys (Donghyuck’s) bedroom, dropping himself down and pulling the other on top of him. "Just tell me next time, we can even study together, hm?" 

"Okay, I’ll try. Thank you," Mark hummed and left a kiss on the top of his head. "I love you." 

"I love you too."

**

"By the way, I saw the scratches under your sleeves earlier." The two had settled onto the couch after having a simple but nice dinner (Mark had asked if he had eaten anything other than the small breakfast they had shared that morning, and when the answer was no he was scolded lightly and carried downstairs to get something in his system), and were watching one of their favorite movies. 

Donghyuck tensed in Mark’s lap, eyes quickly flickering up before reassuring hands began rubbing up and down his back. 

"I'm not mad, but we're gonna need to make sure they're clean." The sincerity in his eyes made the honey-haired boy want to cry. How had he gotten so _lucky_?

"Okay," he replied, relaxing into his chest once again. 

"And… maybe do you want to talk about it another day? It doesn't have to be with me, we can go see someone when we’re able to get out of the house." And Donghyuck did. He really wanted to be able to say that he was okay, that he wasn’t a slave to the scale in his bathroom, that he was good enough just being _him._

"Yeah,” he reached his head up and left a lingering peck on the older’s lips. “I would like that." 

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> i just realized that this is my first official NCT fanfic posted. yay! 
> 
> i hope you guys are staying safe and healthy! remember that you are amazing and loved very much! <3


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